Thursday, 17 January 2013

Tears on the road...

I have been so overwhelmed by your support this past couple days. It's so easy to allow everything to do with this pregnancy to become so big in my head and to assume the worst... that there will be something wrong with the baby, the fear of hemorrhaging and what that might mean for me, the risk of cord prolapse...

Yesterday as I drove to school, I had the first bit of space I've had since Monday. Alone time. Can be wonderful; can be dangerous. Its the time when your thoughts can take over, and your fears have time to grow in your head.

As I drove the ten minute journey, I guess you could say I went on a bit of a different kind of journey. Everything I had been told by the Consultant, everything I knew about Polyhydramnios just built up into this huge tidal wave that threatened to drown me. The worse case scenario suddenly loomed like some giant, impossible monster over me and I felt scared... for myself, but for my husband, and my children...

What if we lose this child?
What if we have to learn to adjust to life with a child with a disability?
What if I don't survive? Will Ava forget me? This baby will never know me?

Morbid thoughts, I know... but as I said, the anxiety took over, and as the tears flowed down my face I did what I should have been doing all along. I gave it back to God.

I cannot describe the sweet peace that comes from knowing the Saviour.

Those tears of fear turned to tears of sweet relief as I felt Him saying to me "You are in my hands. I will not let you drown in this"

And then the radio changed tunes and this song started playing... I was driving my Mum's car and she had the local christian radio station on and it literally spoke to me. I do not know the song, I don't know what it was called, I've never heard it before, but it was based on Zephaniah 3:17 which says...

The Lord your God is with you
The Mighty Warrior who saves

And I knew that sudden peace which he promises in Phillipians 4...

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God, and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

God is so incredibly good and I know, with absolute conviction, that I do not need to fear, because he has it all in his hands. Nothing can come upon us, nothing can happen that is outside of his control. That means that whatever happens, he will give us the strength and the ability to keep going, to lean heavier on him, to rejoice come what may.

I pray you know him too, because there is nothing so precious as having someone to whom I can give all my burdens...

Thank you Father.

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