One Week Ago // On Accidents and Thankfulness

It's only once in a while that you stop and realise that so much of life's direction depends upon a single moment - one decision, one miscalculation, one split-second can send you down a route you never expected. When Ava and I logged onto her parents evening last Tuesday, and David had still not returned, I simply assumed he was running late. It was only when the repeat calls started coming through from a number I did not recognise that I began to wonder...

"Claire, its me... I've been in an accident"

Annika + Beth // A story of names

It feels like such a responsibility, doesn't it? The choosing of a name... the responsibility of bestowing on your child something they will carry with them throughout their years. We have always wanted names heavy with meaning and purpose, beautiful and strong, names which work across the three languages that flow from our children's tongues. Scandinavian and Germanic influences, and yet names known and appreciated in the country of their birth.

Renovation and Inspiration // A Cabin in a Van

 

On Friday last week we had the exciting adventure of visiting our good friend Bobby D in his van. At first glance, the van looks like any other white removal van... chunky, robust, big and not particularly special... but on entering, we stepped into what genuinely could have been a log cabin in the mountains! 

Wisdom from a Two Year Old // Where to Find Peace in the Chaos

I braved our local Sainsbury's on Wednesday for the first time since we'd come out of isolation... it was strange to see the reality that others had been talking about for a week. Empty shelves, shoppers dancing around each other, trying to maintain 2 metres distance, any cough from anywhere in the shop drawing suspicious looks, and an eerie quiet. No one stopping to chat. Everyone just trying to get out of there as quickly as possible.

It felt so sad. And wrong. And broken. What is this world we find ourselves in? This new normal that would have been utterly inconceivable when the midnight clock welcomed in the year 2020? Was that really only a few weeks ago?

Just Pause // A Word for the Year...

As the children get older, I feel like life speeds up. I know when the girls were small, before the days of school runs and extra curricular activities, I used to feel like life was busy... now I look back on those days with a (probably slightly rose-tinted) sense of longing... my boys toddler years feel like they were lived in fast forward mode in comparison with the girls, and whereas it was much simpler to shut down shop in "the old days" of preschool, I feel much more pulled in multiple directions these days.

The Grass Is Greener Where You Water It // Contentment + Courage

"The grass is greener where you water it"

This line was spoken to me after church last week in a conversation with a young man after the service. We were talking life and ministry... and the way the Lord has led us both down pretty different paths. I was sharing some insights into what I perceived to be rather mundane days in comparison with his more adventurous life, and he stopped me in my tracks.

The Quietening // Rest for The Weary Soul

It's wonderful, but it's not sustainable... it was the repeated phrase of last year. Recognising your weaknesses and limitations feels often like an admittance of failure to me.... but ever since our fourth little man joined the gang, my limitations have become ever more apparent to me. He has been a very easy baby, and the smiliest, chirpiest little man... but the sheer number of children, the physical and emotional demands of being Mama to four has kept me on my knees. It's humbling... its hard to step down from the pedestal you've created for yourself and realise that "keeping up appearances" serves no one but your own ego.

2018 // Respite, Reprieve and Rollercoastering

2018.

It's been a year of paradoxes in many ways... a year of respite after all the drama of 2017 (scary illnesses, complicated pregnancies, traumatic births, a premature baby, broken down cars, Heidi coming off meds, new jobs... you name it). In comparison, 2018 has been remarkably drama free, and yet, respite is probably not a word I'd use to describe this year... its felt, in many ways, like the busiest of my life... with growing children, three school runs a day, a business taking off and ministry opportunities, and there have been points where I've wanted to jump off the treadmill for a while.

We're still trying to figure out the balance on that one.

When You Hit the Wall // A Humbling

It's been some time now that I've been aware of the need for us to slow down. Life can only go at breakneck speed for so long before something runs off the tracks. But with four small children, a busy work/home schedule, church involvement and extra-curricular commitments, the inevitable was bound to happen at some point I suppose.

And this weekend, the brakes were drawn to a grinding halt.

A Little Life Update // This Season We're In...

Life has been rushing by at breakneck speed... I don't think I've had such a long break from my blog since I first started writing back in 2011. Life with four small children is incredibly busy and the break has been gutting but absolutely necessary. I've had to swallow my pride and recognize with an uncomfortable amount of realism that I can't juggle all the balls at once. I feel sad that this little space has been neglected - it has been such a source of joy and is a little treasure trove of memories for us, and I feel particularly bad for my younger children that their day to day has not been documented in the same detail that my elder children have been...

Self Care or Soul Care // A Few Simple Truths

Excuse the silence round these parts... it’s been a little purposeful, and a little accidental. Life with four little people around allows no moment of space during the day, and life can feel pretty whirlwindish right now. That’s been the accidental part.

The purposeful part has been a long time coming. That still, small voice has been probing and whispering... urging me to set aside my pride and re-prioritise. When I have too much on my plate, things get skewed and the most important things get shoved to the side - communion with the Lord, time with my husband, thoughtful parenting.

Instead life becomes one long cycle of knee-jerk reactions which does no good to anyone.


I’m so thankful for the Holy Spirit who nudges and challenges and corrects me. So often the pull of recognition and opportunity can feel more appealing than the day to day care of my family. But I feel like the Lord has been reminding me that this is a season... there will be plenty of opportunity to get involved in projects, to take up opportunities in a few years, but right now my soul needs, and wants, to be happy at home.

And so self-care has become soul care. The simple steps of going to bed earlier (which has had a direct impact on my blog - my writing time has always been late in the evening), of spending daily time with Jesus, of investing time talking with my husband about bits and bobs, and about big life stuff, and purposefully engaging with my children. Eating well and thoughtfully, taking care of my body. All things that so easily become neglected in the day to day of busy life. All things that directly impact my ability to function, and to honour the Lord with taking care of the gifts he has given me, and also recognising that I can’t do everything or be everything. 

It’s not rocket science. The simple truth that when I stop striving and reaching for the next thing, but instead learn to be satisfied and contented in what I have, my soul is happiest. The recognition that "stuff" or "projects" or "opportunities" will never fulfil me, but simply resting my soul in Christ, appreciating his gifts and delighting in the small things.

Isn't that what we all deep down crave?

And so baby steps to soul care is where I'm at right now - dependence, trust, contentment, the humility to recognise my limitations, wise choices that feel costly, but bring riches of the non-financial kind.

And remembering the sweet words of my Saviour...

" Come to me, you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" Matthew 11:28

Amen.

Springtime // The Season of Hope

Autumn has always been my favourite season... crunchy leaves, cosy nights, hot chocolate in the warmth while the rain patters outside, the golden hues and rainbow leaves, the crisp fresh air and cold sunshine.

But over the last few years, the springtime has become particularly precious to me. Strange, in a sense... for us the springtimes of the last few years are ridden with difficult memories... sick babies, pregnancy fears, separation from my children, traumatic births. And yet somehow in the midst of all that... the warming air, the scent of spring draws me back to remember the sweetest kind of communion with the Lord. Sights and sounds and smells so closely linked with cherished memories of dependency, and heartache, and trust... and the beauty of God's faithfulness.

Questions and Struggles

Sometimes I get hit by the fact I only get one run at parenting. There's no rewind and re-do option. Which makes each decision we make in the day to day feel epically significant.

Have we made the right choices for our children? Are they too busy? Are they not busy enough? Did I handle that discipline correctly? Have I spoilt them? Have I scarred them for life?

Much of my thought life is threatened by questions like these.

From the moment I knew I was carrying Ava, I realised I would never quite feel carefree again. Children are wonderful gifts, beautiful blessings. But at times the responsibility can feel enormous.

Yesterday I had a lot of those questions.

We had an epic meltdown from one of our children at bedtime last night... possibly the worst ever. Over something so silly and insignificant... when you're in the midst of it, its so hard to know where to extend grace, where to issue discipline... where to pour out unconditional forgiveness and where broken boundaries need consequences.

And I realise that as our children grow these questions are only going to get bigger.

I came downstairs feeling so flat. So ill-equipped. Like a failure.

And so I preached to myself.

I am not defined by my role as a mother... I am not valued according to my performance - success or fail... my children's lives are in the Father's hands... Jesus has covered my sin, and he offers to cover theirs too. There is always forgiveness where there is repentance. There are always open arms and a welcome home.

We finished last night by praying together, little blond heads tucked under my arms... and thanking God that his love is unconditional, that his grace is never-ending, that his plans and purposes are perfect. That tomorrow is a new day and his mercies are new every morning.

How grateful I am for those truths.

Life on the tracks...

It's a well used metaphor, "the journey of life"... the idea that we are all travelling along, subject to the whims and winds of the road. Sometimes driving with cautious care, sometimes with relaxed enjoyment, sometimes with erratic recklessness and sometimes in lostness and confusion. It can feel a little scary... the uncertainty of not knowing what is ahead... of not knowing what is oncoming, of not trusting ourselves in the drivers seat, or of not trusting the other drivers around us.

Life can feel scary that way.

Last Wednesday, we took the kids on a trip on the Steam train for my Father-in-laws birthday. Steam trains are just like any other journey in many ways... the varying speed, the quiet chugging through glorious open countryside, the loud clatter through dark tunnels... they take you through all sorts of twists and turns, ups and downs, over bridges, through tunnels, high speed and slow motion.

And yet there's one significant difference when you're on a train.

You're on a track.

That means you have a destination, a direction, and an earthing.

And in many ways, as I've been reflecting, I've realised that is what journeying life as a christian is like. There are high days and low days, good days and bad days, days of flying through glorious freedom, and days of racketing through dark tunnels. And yet all the while, we have a destination, a direction, an earthing.

The ups and downs and ins and outs don't have to feel scary, because they are earthed in the sovereignty of God. Just like that train follows its tracks, we  can trust that life is following the tracks that God has laid out for us. And that brings an incredible peace and assurance when things feel a little rocky, or the tunnel feels neverending. The train won't de-rail. It might traverse through some pretty rough terrain, it might head underground for a while. But its held firm to those rails and won't leave them.

That assurance has been particularly precious to us in the past week or so. Knowing that we are held firm when old memories are stirred, and question marks hover again...

That we are never left to career off course... but always held tight, whatever the terrain, whoever the company, wherever we find ourselves.

Life on the tracks.

All His Anyway // Thoughts for a Monday Morning...

"The raising of children, the teaching of truth, the sharing of life, the nourishing of imagination, and the cultivating of wisdom: These are all His anyway; we are merely his servants"

Sarah MacKenzie, Teaching From Rest

When Your Friends' Kids Become Your Kids' Friends // History Repeating Itself

I spent some time with a dear friend last week. Chatting and feeding ducks and watching our little ones in the playground. This particular friendship goes way back - way, way back... and now a couple of decades on, its so much fun to see our little people enjoying each others company...

Motherhood heroines // Thoughts on Intentional Parenting

I've been doing a lot of reminiscing lately... I'm not sure why. I think once you are through a certain developmental stage with your children, you look back and remember all the wonderful memories, and forget all the hard things. I feel a little bit like that about my girls. Our youngest daughter will be five in a few short weeks... five! Can you believe it? My baby girl? Five is no longer a baby... not even a toddler or preschooler. Five is a full blown child in their own right.

Vulnerability // Keeping it real

My little helper 💙 This morning I felt I failed as a mother... there was far too much shouting and nagging and frustrated groans on my part... the school run always feels like a disruption, no matter how prepared we are. I sent one teary little girl into school and came home feeling dreadful. Teaching and training these little ones is a tough gig... and it's the biggest means of sanctification in my life right now. Because as they show their selfishness, mine is revealed too... and seeing your two-year-old angrily shouting words at his sister that you have just uttered yourself is a painful glimpse in the mirror. So thankful for the cross. So thankful for grace. So thankful for new mercies every morning. Every. Single. Day.

I posted this on my Instagram account yesterday. Within moments the comments started rolling in. Clearly I'd hit a nerve. After a rough start to my morning, and an all too vivid reflection of my parenting, I wasn't the only one feeling like a failure as a mother sometimes.

Thankfuness in the Throws of Life // An Unexpected New Year

It's been the longest break from blogging I've had in a while... and its felt healthy, and right, to be with my family in this season. To have invested time focusing and preparing our hearts for Christmas, and spending the aftermath sorting and minimalising... preparing for the fresh start that a new year always promises.

Stop Doing and Start Listening // Lessons for a Lifelong Do-er

My little space here has felt a little neglected recently... and I've missed it. I've missed the daily outpouring of thought and reflection... missed the opportunity to shuffle my thoughts into some semblance of clarity. I've come to realise that this little online space is so much more than just a record of our family life... its a reflection of where we're at in the journey... not just the intricacies of daily life as a family of six, but the spaces in between... the thoughts and wonderings; challenges and hopes. It is so much reflective of my own walk with the Lord... I can read my journey between the lines... the posts full of thankfulness, and those distracted by daily pressures.