As I sat with my healthy, happy bouncing baby on my lap, I fell into conversation with the Mums around me... The usual questions ensued... "How old's your little one?" There was a 7 week old... An 11 month old... A 9 month old, and then another mother joined us...
"How old is your little one?" someone asked...
"Nine weeks" she smiled in reply.
I felt like the bottom fell out of my heart.
Why can I not hear that age without feeling sick to my stomach? Because at 9 weeks old my healthy, happy, bouncing baby became my not healthy, happy, bouncing baby. She got sick, and then I remember that the bonny baby on my lap is still sick.
It just hurts, is all.
It's so silly, I know. Heidi is doing so well, she has no idea anything is wrong. She is thriving and growing and loving life, and filling our lives with giggles and gorgeousness. And perhaps that's why it hurts so much, because everything in me cries it shouldn't be like this. Babies don't get sick. Babies don't get life threatening conditions. Mamas should only have to worry about teething and nappy rash, not heart attacks and blood clots. This is wrong!
And you know what? It's OK to feel like that, cos it IS wrong. Suffering is not right... And one day it will be ended. I'm praying that our Heidi's little heart will belong to the Saviour... And if so, one day, her little heart will be perfect. Her arteries perfect. Her blood flowing freely. I cling to that.
And in the meantime I catch my breath, gulp back my tears and smile at the lady with the 9 week old.
"She's gorgeous," I say.
He (Jesus) will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.
Revelation 21:4, The Bible.