But today I feel like I've crash landed totally unexpectedly. I feel out of control. I feel lost. I don't know the answers and I can't see the way out.
In essence, I need your prayers.
Today began like any other, except that the conjunctivitis I had being trying to keep at bay from Heidi had got her. She woke up gloopy eyed, but smiley and cheery. At 8 I called the doctors to get an appointment. Get on the case quick and the whole thing would be over quicker. That was the plan.
And so we sauntered up to the Doctors at 10.45am, totally oblivious to and unprepared for the crash landing that was about to take place.
I popped my head into the chemists... "I need Heidi's medication... There should be a chicken pox vaccine there too, but I'll pick it up Thursday." I was feeling relieved. The vaccine, that we have waited so long for was finally due this week. Chicken Pox poses a major threat to Heidi on the meds she is on. The last few months have been a waiting and avoiding game. Steering clear of any mention of the dreaded pox. It would be a relief to have that constant nagging fear gone.
And then the Pharmacist dropped the bombshell.
"The manufacturers out of it, I'm afraid. No one will be able to order it. They haven't released a day for its next availability... it could be weeks, it could be months"
For someone for whom days have seemed precious, weeks and months seemed impossible. I nearly broke down right there and then in the middle of the pharmacy. Pulling myself together, I sat down in the waiting room. This was ridiculous. We weren't in some third world country where vaccinations are hard to come by. We were in Britain. And my little girl needed a vaccine they had promised me for months. They surely couldn't have run out?! There must be some mistake.
Quickly it has become evident this is no mistake. When you have it reconfirmed by the big London hospitals, you realise that this is it.
There is no jab for our baby girl.
Tonight we were given a ray of hope. A local pharmacy thins they may have it... They will confirm in the morning. I have spent this evening running the events over and over, scouring the Internet for information as to where I might be able to get hold of it.
And then I made the fatal error of reading the patient information leaflet.
Vaccine recipients should avoid products that contain aspirin (salicylates) for 6 weeks after vaccination with VARIVAX as this may cause a serious condition called Reye’s syndrome which can affect all your body organs.
So what do I do? Heidi is on daily aspirin, and she cannot come off it! Do I live with the daily fear of chicken pox? Or do I protect her from that by getting her the vaccine, but in doing so potentially put her at risk of the very thing we are trying to avoid?
How do I make that call?
Neither of those things is a solution. Neither of those things gives me what I really want.
Neither of those make my baby girl safe.
And then I remember my third option. Trust. To trust the God who so completely held us in those awful May days, to trust the God who brings peace to my heart when I feel like this battle is just too hard. To trust that all of this is in hs hands.
Please pray we will trust.