Disappointment// Back to Hospital

                         

    

Another morning in hospital. After another scare yesterday morning, I woke up in my hospital bay feeling hopeful... No more scares meant I could probably be reunited with my family today. And then it happened. And here I am. Back to square one. Back to another 24 hours of watching and waiting.

I've been here before. Not just in this pregnancy. The waiting game in my pregnancy with Heidi... The worry, the anxiety... The questioning and what ifs and what fors. It makes you realise what a miracle each baby is... Each pregnancy, each birth, each new little life. Nothing is to be taken for granted. 

Our society tells us birth will be this 'special experience'; this wonderful, beautiful giving of life. I'm going to be real. Pregnancy is hard... Labour is intense, excruciating work... It's not beautiful.... I witnessed it again last night. The woman next to me... Each contraction bearing down, the outcry, the desperation tor closure, the fear in her eyes and tears in her voice. The curse of Eden; "In pain you will bring forth children". It's focused, tunnel visioned motherhood at its most raw. But that little life handed to you at the end? That is beautiful. That is real, and raw, and God-glorifying. That is new life.

And that's why I am here. That why these long hours in hospital, watching and waiting, are worthwhile. That little life, being formed and grown by the maker, needs every extra day to get ready to face the big wide world. It's little life is beautiful: muscles maturing, lungs gearing up, brain developing... Fully formed and yet not quite ready to fend for itself.

So I sit and wait. In hope. In trust. Giving each disappointment and each setback to the Saviour... Teaching me dependence, teaching me trust... Teaching me his ways are not my ways, but his ways are the best ways.

Always.