Saturday 22 April 2017

One Week // Looking Back

Yesterday afternoon I sat down and pulled up the pictures from Elias' birth onto my laptop. I sat there and the tears flowed. Such precious photographs of our boys first moments of life. Moments I missed... moments where he himself was not faring so well. Precious, private pictures that do not feel right to share. They will adorn the pages of his scrapbook, and forever be imprinted on my memory. The scenes are too raw for me to plaster across the internet. So many emotions wrapped up still in the events of last weekend... I think I'm still in a state of shock to some degree. When every Midwife and Doctor you meet looks horrifiedly at you and says "I've just read your notes... I can't believe that happened to you" you realise that the events of last weekend were traumatic, and therefore its OK to feel traumatised by them.

And I do. And that makes me feel a little lost.

I've always prided myself on being someone who has things together... who can maintain a steady ship through rough storms. I'm an optimist and a pragmatist, two qualities which have enabled me to hold my head through some pretty rough stuff.

But ultimately, I'm a Christian. Standing on the firm foundation that is Christ. And so when I'm floundering, feeling lost and a little traumatised... when my optimism and pragmatism fail me which they do, and they will... It's OK to crumble;  because he has me. In fact, crumbling into him is the best place for me to be.

There is so much comfort in that.

There were so many beautiful, wonderful moments in the horror of last weekend... and it's those memories I'm trying to cling to...

Not the guilt of missing the birth of my own baby.
Not the horror of coming round on your bathroom floor surrounded by about 15 medical staff shouting "Code Red!"
Not the trauma of being opened up for section, sewn back up again, and then reopened a few hours later in a different hospital.
Not the heartache of not being able to see your baby for the first ten hours of his life.
Not the "What if's" and the "if onlys"

Instead I want to remember the kindness of the midwives who looked after me so well...
The donors who saved our lives on Saturday as the litres of blood I lost were replenished...
The fact that I was in hospital when the horrifying events unfolded
My husband who made it in time and stood by my side the whole time I was awake.
The fact that the Lord allowed events to unfold so that in the end I was unable to have the intrusive surgery which we thought was necessary, but in the end wasn't.
The fact that despite all the evidence, my placenta came away intact and without difficulty.
That my baby boy, wired up and incubated, eyes closed since birth, opened his eyes when he heard my voice for the first time. Such a precious moment.
The NNU staff who cared so well for our baby boy
That despite not being able to feed him until he was a day old, Elias took to feeding really well.
The wonderful midwife assistant who sat with me, cried with me and shared her own very similar story.
That despite being born at less than 35 weeks gestation, our boy is fighting fit.

And when I look at it like that, I'm so very, very grateful. It puts the guilt and the horror and the trauma and the heartache and the 'What ifs' and 'If onlys' into perspective.

There was so much at stake on Saturday... so much could have been lost. So much nearly was lost.

And yet here we both are... me and my littlest boy. Living to tell the tale.

There is much for me still to work through. Much to get my head around. Many more tears to be cried...

And yet I can see so clearly that the Lord kept those promises he whispered to me on those dark hospital nights...

"Stand still and see how I will deliver you."
"Be still and wait."
" Look to me, daughter, and trust me"

I can look back at last weekend and reel in the questions, and the 'whys' and the shock of it all... or I can look forward, clinging to God's promises, revelling in his protection and not allow the trauma to steal the joy of these early days with our beautiful, miracle baby.

I choose joy. I choose to delight in life. I choose to savour our newborn Son.

Because Jesus takes the guilt, the trauma, the heartache. He lifts my burderns and slings them to a cross on Calvary and puts them to death as he dies and shouts "It is finished!"

And he rises from the dead. From death, comes life. From pain, comes a future.

And our little Easter baby will forever be a reminder of that.

The birth of glorious, wonderful life in all its fullness!

Happy one week birthday Elias!


  1. We had a fair bit of trauma and drama with Samuel's birth resulting in Emergency section ( nothing like yours but scary enough). It did take quite a while for us both to recover emotionally but you're right that focussing on God's gift, protection and blessing and the future is the process for healing. Praying for you and Dave as you process these experiences x

  2. Sounds so traumatising Claire, very glad that you and your little boy are safe and doing well. Sending you lots of love xxxx

  3. So glad you are both doing well, lots of love x

  4. My niece had a very traumatic birth that ended in a section under general, blue lights to another hospital for baby and then 2 weeks in NICU, but both are very well now (he's a very cheeky 4 year old now)so I have some sense of the trauma. Do they have a birth after thoughts team at your hospital? I think it did help her to talk it all through with them - although this was some weeks/months later - much love to you all xx

  5. Wow u been through so much.
    Glad you are recovering and baby doing well. Look forward to seeing you both soon.

  6. Wishing you a speedy recovery Claire he is beautiful x

  7. Claire things will fade in time. He is lovely and like us you have close family for support. I can't wait to meet him. Sarah had a debrief about 6 weeks after the event as well. Xxx

  8. You wrote that so beautifully. What a precious reminder of God's love for us, a baby born at Easter! And such wonderful promises.
    I'll treasure these things you've been learning as the countdown is on for our baby(11 weeks to go, God willing).
    I need to watch where I read your blog posts- I was in the waiting room this morning in tears as I read it! Thank you for sharing it though.

  9. It takes time to process it all Claire, sometimes all the 'what if's' of Tilly's birth still hit me hard. So glad you are all home safe and recovery, and joy, can begin! X

  10. It's so important to share our difficult experiences and I'm so pleased that you can do so already! :) It's only now after 11 months that I'm starting to see how much God was working for our good in our time in the NICU and also only now that I feel able to reflect back on it. Even just a few months ago I'd have found reading this really painful and I would've felt bitter, but now I am able to rejoice with you!
    I've learnt so much and it's made me so aware of the struggles that others go through - even worse than own! - and how I can be supportive of them. It can be so encouraging for mums who are going through similar situations to hear about others feeling the same things.
    Praise God for a speedy discharge and no ongoing problems ❤️ ~RJ

  11. This comment has been removed by the author.


I love reading your comments! Thanks for stopping by!