I cried a few tears yesterday. It was the first time in a couple of weeks I've had a moment to stop. Busyness is good for me... it stops me wallowing in the "if-onlys"... but sometimes time to dwell is precious. It reminds me that I do "all things through Him who strengthens me"... my loving heavenly Father who gives us strength to carry this cross.
My heart ached when I opened my journal yesterday. I haven't opened it in three months. The last thing written was the happy, carefree notes from New Word Alive. My world was golden, my heart was full, my life was pretty perfect.
And then Kawasaki struck.
It tried to steal our baby from us, sending us on a nightmare journey we could never have imagined; a month in hospital, a month away from my darling Ava, a month of fearing for our gorgeous baby; willing her to pull through.
Sobbing, hurting, praying, fighting, hoping and willing our little Heidi to make it.
And she did.
But not without a cost...
We pray, hope, long that her arteries will have continued to reduce in size. One day I will give all these blog entries to my girly so she can understand/accept/come to terms with these awful dark days. A little girl whose perfect heart was attached by this evil disease. I cannot understand it. It hurts so much. The "if-onlys" are, at times, overwhelming. She is so precious, so good, so sweet and there is that constant, distant ache of "imagine if..."
And yet, I am grateful. Grateful that our Father has protected our little one, grateful that she wakes up every morning happy and bouncy and clueless, grateful for the way he has gently cared for us through this, grateful for his sovereign intervention with Dr L who had his moment of "unease". Grateful for Jesus who knows our pain.
He gets me through these teary moments.
He is enough: in the deep pits of the immediate aftermath, and in the drawn-out daily battle of acceptance.
And he will continue to be enough. Whatever comes.