Tuesday, 12 November 2013

Six months on... And still riding the rollercoaster...

Today marks six months since our darling girl fell ill: six months since she started to get irritable that morning in church; six months since that angry rash broke out all over her tiny body; six months since her fever started to rocket; six months since we rushed her into A&E.

Six months.

In many ways, these past months have been the rainbow after the storm. Our baby girl is here. She is a bundle of fun. She is a chubby ball of cuteness. She is alive and kicking (literally!) Her good morning, four-toothed, gummy smile is the best welcome at the start of the day. And boy do I love her.

But yesterday was a hard day. We live in the shadow of Kawasaki every day... And every bug poses a threat to our little one. But there are two viruses that pose a particular threat: flu and chicken pox. And yesterday we found out that Heidi had been in contact with someone who had it.

Everything comes crashing down.

That's when the rubber of your faith hits the road. I got home from my friends and settled the girls for their naps. I came down the stairs and fell to pieces. The risk for Heidi of chicken pox, flu and any fever is an awful illness called Reyes Syndrome. Don't google it. I can't even allow my head to go near that territory. It terrifies me.

I sat on the sofa and I cried and all those emotions of the last six months just surfaced all over again and for a split second, I allowed fear to grip me and the what ifs became overwhelming. I cried and prayed and cried and prayed. And then my wonderful mum came and held me and prayed for me and our darling girl. Sharing the burden helps so much.

When she had gone I sat down, more at peace, and opened my Bible and through those words The Lord spoke to me and calmed my anxious heart. He is good. He is sovereign. He is Here. And he is in utter control. He loves our Heidi more even than me. And he holds her in his hands.

Yesterday evening we got the all-clear. It seems the chicken pox was a scare. Relief flooded me and I have cried more tears. Tears of thankfulness that we are spared. In three and a half weeks Heidi will get her chicken pox vaccine and I can breath more easily.

In the meantime, faith is tested. Can I really trust Him? Do I really believe He wants our good? Do I know with all certainty that He is in utter control? The tears may roll, the heart at times feel heavy, but I know... WE know, with a resounding "Yes!" that he's got this. He's in it, over it, under it, around it. What peace there is in that.


  1. This has me in tears, you are all still very much in our prayers. We do not know what the future holds but we do know we have a sovereign God and Heidi and the family are in his hands. Xxx

  2. I heard about the chicken pox scare and Heidi was my first thought and prayer for safety. Will continue to pray for her well being and peace for the family..

  3. Oh Claire... My heart goes out to you. Will continue to pray for you and Heidi. x

  4. I don't know the history with your little girl, but I can't imagine how terrifying it must be if any virus could cause her to become so ill. Hopefully the vaccinations will come around really quickly and you can all breathe a bit more xx

  5. A lovely post in so many ways Claire but what a lot of heartache you've been through this year. As you say, God is sovereign and we know that in our hearts but sometimes our head takes over and we start to doubt, which is only natural. Praying and digging into his word are the best things you can do but so hard at times! Have you ever read 'Soul Detox' by Craig Groeshel? There's a whole chapter on fear and anxious thoughts, it really is such a great book. Would recommend to anyone. x

  6. I'm so happy that it was just a scare! I worry about the flu and chicken pox, I didn't vaccinate my kiddo with it and now he can't have it for 11 months. :/

    I will say that our cardiologist said the risk of reyes syndrome on the low dose aspirin is almost nonexistent if that helps. It won't ever completely calm you because it barely helped me but it's in the back of my mind that he may not get it.


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