Questions and Struggles

Sometimes I get hit by the fact I only get one run at parenting. There's no rewind and re-do option. Which makes each decision we make in the day to day feel epically significant.

Have we made the right choices for our children? Are they too busy? Are they not busy enough? Did I handle that discipline correctly? Have I spoilt them? Have I scarred them for life?

Much of my thought life is threatened by questions like these.

From the moment I knew I was carrying Ava, I realised I would never quite feel carefree again. Children are wonderful gifts, beautiful blessings. But at times the responsibility can feel enormous.

Yesterday I had a lot of those questions.

We had an epic meltdown from one of our children at bedtime last night... possibly the worst ever. Over something so silly and insignificant... when you're in the midst of it, its so hard to know where to extend grace, where to issue discipline... where to pour out unconditional forgiveness and where broken boundaries need consequences.

And I realise that as our children grow these questions are only going to get bigger.

I came downstairs feeling so flat. So ill-equipped. Like a failure.

And so I preached to myself.

I am not defined by my role as a mother... I am not valued according to my performance - success or fail... my children's lives are in the Father's hands... Jesus has covered my sin, and he offers to cover theirs too. There is always forgiveness where there is repentance. There are always open arms and a welcome home.

We finished last night by praying together, little blond heads tucked under my arms... and thanking God that his love is unconditional, that his grace is never-ending, that his plans and purposes are perfect. That tomorrow is a new day and his mercies are new every morning.

How grateful I am for those truths.