Of course, the "wonderful" is tinged; tinged by that voice that hits me every morning when I wake up and gaze at our sleeping baby girl in her Moses basket beside us. That voice that just whispers "heart, heart, heart" every time I look at that gorgeous chubby face. It aches. I'm lying if I pretend it doesn't. But somehow, we are beginning to come to terms with this "new kind of normal". I have to. Its not fair on any of us if I allow fear to grip me... and its certainly not fair on Heidi.
When life is good it's easy to be grateful for the lovely things you have. Of course it is.
But it's when something hard comes that your grateful muscles really have to be used. At first, because you haven't used them much before, it hurts. It hurts like crazy. How can you truly be grateful for something so hard? But the more you use them, the stronger they get. It doesn't make things hurt any less. It doesn't mean that hard things are suddenly a breeze. But your grateful muscles become a powerful part of your weaponry. And the grateful prayers that seemed so hard at the beginning come more naturally now.
She is so right.
I can't pretend I am grateful that this has happened to us... I would, of course, do anything in my power to make my baby girl's heart healthy. Anything. And yet I am grateful for what I can see it is doing to us... to our faith... to our bond as a little family... to the adoration Ava has for her baby sister... to our marriage. There is something about hard things that forces you to appreciate what is good so much more. Of course, I wish we could have learned these lessons another way, but that's when we have to trust. Trust that there is purpose in this, and that God will give our little girl the strength to cope with the frustrations and limitations that come as a result of this.