One Week // Looking Back

Yesterday afternoon I sat down and pulled up the pictures from Elias' birth onto my laptop. I sat there and the tears flowed. Such precious photographs of our boys first moments of life. Moments I missed... moments where he himself was not faring so well. Precious, private pictures that do not feel right to share. They will adorn the pages of his scrapbook, and forever be imprinted on my memory. The scenes are too raw for me to plaster across the internet. So many emotions wrapped up still in the events of last weekend... I think I'm still in a state of shock to some degree. When every Midwife and Doctor you meet looks horrifiedly at you and says "I've just read your notes... I can't believe that happened to you" you realise that the events of last weekend were traumatic, and therefore its OK to feel traumatised by them.

And I do. And that makes me feel a little lost.

I've always prided myself on being someone who has things together... who can maintain a steady ship through rough storms. I'm an optimist and a pragmatist, two qualities which have enabled me to hold my head through some pretty rough stuff.

But ultimately, I'm a Christian. Standing on the firm foundation that is Christ. And so when I'm floundering, feeling lost and a little traumatised... when my optimism and pragmatism fail me which they do, and they will... It's OK to crumble;  because he has me. In fact, crumbling into him is the best place for me to be.

There is so much comfort in that.

There were so many beautiful, wonderful moments in the horror of last weekend... and it's those memories I'm trying to cling to...

Not the guilt of missing the birth of my own baby.
Not the horror of coming round on your bathroom floor surrounded by about 15 medical staff shouting "Code Red!"

Not the trauma of being opened up for section, sewn back up again, and then reopened a few hours later in a different hospital.
Not the heartache of not being able to see your baby for the first ten hours of his life.
Not the "What if's" and the "if onlys"

Instead I want to remember the kindness of the midwives who looked after me so well...
The donors who saved our lives on Saturday as the litres of blood I lost were replenished...
The fact that I was in hospital when the horrifying events unfolded
My husband who made it in time and stood by my side the whole time I was awake.
The fact that the Lord allowed events to unfold so that in the end I was unable to have the intrusive surgery which we thought was necessary, but in the end wasn't.
The fact that despite all the evidence, my placenta came away intact and without difficulty.
That my baby boy, wired up and incubated, eyes closed since birth, opened his eyes when he heard my voice for the first time. Such a precious moment.
The NNU staff who cared so well for our baby boy
That despite not being able to feed him until he was a day old, Elias took to feeding really well.

The wonderful midwife assistant who sat with me, cried with me and shared her own very similar story.
That despite being born at less than 35 weeks gestation, our boy is fighting fit.

And when I look at it like that, I'm so very, very grateful. It puts the guilt and the horror and the trauma and the heartache and the 'What ifs' and 'If onlys' into perspective.

There was so much at stake on Saturday... so much could have been lost. So much nearly was lost.

And yet here we both are... me and my littlest boy. Living to tell the tale.

There is much for me still to work through. Much to get my head around. Many more tears to be cried...

And yet I can see so clearly that the Lord kept those promises he whispered to me on those dark hospital nights...

"Stand still and see how I will deliver you."

"Be still and wait."

" Look to me, daughter, and trust me"

I can look back at last weekend and reel in the questions, and the 'whys' and the shock of it all... or I can look forward, clinging to God's promises, revelling in his protection and not allow the trauma to steal the joy of these early days with our beautiful, miracle baby.

I choose joy. I choose to delight in life. I choose to savour our newborn Son.

Because Jesus takes the guilt, the trauma, the heartache. He lifts my burderns and slings them to a cross on Calvary and puts them to death as he dies and shouts "It is finished!"

And he rises from the dead. From death, comes life. From pain, comes a future.

And our little Easter baby will forever be a reminder of that.

The birth of glorious, wonderful life in all its fullness!

Happy one week birthday Elias!

Autumn in Derbyshire // Calke Abbey and Family Fun //

"Autumn, the year's last, loveliest smile."

- William Cullen Bryant -

Jackets donned, wellies on, wrapped up cosy, and we were ready to explore further the beauties of Derbyshire's autumn...

This time we headed for forgotten and faded glory. A house abandoned and left as it was... the signs of neglect and age showing... it was almost eerie in its long-forgotten state.

Calke Abbey, a property purposefully left abandoned... an absolutely fascinating place...

And full of the first hints of winter's approach...

The grand house is typical of houses of its age... once resplendent in its glory, and then, at the turn of the century, abandoned to time's cruel hands and left to slowly fade away.

It reminded me somewhat of the story of "The Secret Garden"... a place full of whispers and secrets of time gone by... a place that on first impressions seemed dead and lifeless...

But as in any country house estate, the gardens were teeming with life...

Even the abandoned glasshouse could not keep those shoots of life at bay, and tall exotic plants still pushed themselves through the surfaces...

Children, of course, will bring life to any place... and so the excited cries of little girls as they discovered the next clue on their trail was reminiscent, perhaps, of times gone by, when Nannies roamed the grounds with their small charges...

The flower garden was still there in all its natural brilliance... and the grounds were so vast, that sustenance was needed on route... there were tunnels and trees, walled gardens and outhouses to explore.

I relished time with this big girl of mine. School has been an adjustment for both of us, and though she is thriving, I miss time with her. With school runs and homework, opportunities to chat in the day to day are short. She is a good little friend, and loves exploring... and we loved having her to ourselves this week.

We wandered back towards the house and explored all the the house itself had to offer... aging furniture, peeling paint and a 300 year old piano that could still make a noise... Kayla, of course, had to test it out!

We explored the underground tunnels. stopped for a hot chocolate in the cafe and then headed back to the car, breathing in that crisp autumn air.

And then we headed off to family, and we were thankful for warm homes with full fridges and cosy corners and little cousins to play with...

Homes that are still full of life!

Thank you lovely Gill and Reg for having us!

This post is all my own thoughts and opinions, I have received no compensation or incentive for writing it.

Autumn in Derbyshire // Sudbury Hall Gardens //

I've always been one to take photos, from the earliest days of wind-on cameras, to film cameras, to hand-held digital and now my DSLR, there is something lovely and addictive about capturing a moment in a picture... Sometimes moments happen so quickly that I think I would have missed them if my camera hadn't caught it still for that split second.

This past week, we were up in beautiful Derbyshire. We took my flower-girl Kaya, who was over from Austria, and incidentally is now far too grown up to be a flower-girl (Sob - where do the years go?!), and headed north to the Midlands. A week break away from the hustle and bustle of Suburban London life.

Autumn has always called us north... perhaps its the reminiscing of starting university that fateful September when my first impression of the Midlands was formed amidst fiery autumnal leaves. As my Aunt commented last week, "Derbyshire is at its best in the autumn"... and I think she's right...

And so, of course, my camera came along with us, wherever we went, and there was once particular afternoon, while exploring the gardens at beautiful Sudbury House, that it seemed to capture moments that otherwise would have escaped us.

I think these are some of my favourite photos ever.

And thanks to Kaya, who is developing her own love of photography, I actually got to be in some of them for once!

So here you have it... Autumn in Derbyshire... fun in the leaves...

"I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers"

- Anne of Green Gables -

- L.M.Montgomery -

  

Hipp, hipp , hurra for 17.Mai!

Yesterday was Norwegian National Day...

We don't have all out national costumes for the girls yet (maybe one day!), but we went all out in every other sense of the phrase. An opportunity to celebrate all things Norwegian, for the girls to recognise their heritage, and just a good opportunity for a feast!

We decorated the house earlier this week... Our wooden flag bunting came out, everything in red, white and blue! Ava helped me lay the table on the morning, making little flags for her little half-Swedish friends, searching out red, white and blue buttons from my button box, and writing all the place tags. I love the fact that she shares this passion of mine... Making things pretty, caring about the finishing touches, and coming up with ideas for how to make it the perfect setting for a celebration. It makes it so much more fun to have a little partner in crime! Although I did put a stop to her colouring her Norwegian flags pink... I thought that was a little too much creative license!

After a great morning at church, we were joined by our Swedish/Yorkshire friends to celebrate! OK... They may not be Norwegian, but the Scandinavians have got to stick together for occasions like these, right?

We tucked into meatballs, new potatoes in butter and chives, and peas... I think it's fair to say every plate was demolished! (Yes I know... Two-and-a-half weeks from D-day and I am now officially enormous!)

The lovely Emelie came with her own little surprise for us... I had planned Norwegian waffles for pudding, so these Norwegian flag fruit kebabs were the perfect accompaniment! How cute is that?

We had a fabulous afternoon... The children played so beautifully in the garden together ("Three little pigs", rolling around in the tunnel and the duplo seemed to be the highlights), giving us adults space just to catch up, chat and enjoy each others company. I realised afterwards how rare that had felt... The opportunity to really spend time with friends is tough with little ones hanging around, but our four littles just seem to click, and our uninterrupted conversation was accompanied by the soundtrack of children's chatter and infectious toddler giggles.

It made me thankful again for the gift of friendship. We are going through some big changes at the moment... A lot of dear friends are moving on, and that can feel scary and sad. But yesterday afternoon was a reminder of what good friends we still do have here, and to trust God that he always provides. He has a plan and a purpose in everything!

We spent the whole afternoon together, and were shocked to discover how quickly it had flown by! By five o'clock we had two exhausted little ladies... Ready to unwind after a fun-filled day with friends and feasts and general merriment! They were shattered, but happy, and were asleep as soon as their heads hit the pillow!

The perfect end to 17. Mai!

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Give me the clear blue sky...

"Give me the clear blue sky above my head, 

and the green turf beneath my feet, 

a winding road before me, 

and a three hours' march to dinner..."

- Henry Hazlitt -

Friday. Our last full day in holiday mode. The sun poured down and plans were afoot to visit a little village not too far away for a bite to eat, some duck feeding and a country jaunt. When there's a clear blue sky, there is nothing like a country walk

So off we set on our little adventure, accompanied by Auntie, Uncle and little cousin!

After a yummy lunch at our favourite little restaurant, we ambled down country lanes, crossed plenty of kissing gates, spotted sheep and horses, clambered up woody hills and out at the bottom to a pretty little church with plenty of history to take in.

Some of us were glad for an opportunity to sit down after all that walking!

Of course, there was no shortage of cheekiness...

...and shattered little girls on the way home! Both of them conked out within minutes of leaving, cuddled up with Coco Affe and Simba the lion.

Just one of those perfect, sunshiny days that memories are made of...