21. Resolved, never to do anything, which if I should see in another, I should count a just occasion to despise him for, or to think any way the more meanly of him.
I gritted my teeth and groaned inside as Ava's eyes fluttered open. How dare they! I thought don't they know how long I've been walking round these back roads trying to get her off to sleep... and she's just gone... and then they rev their car engine right beside her and the crying begins again! It was a Sunday morning, Dave and I were heading up the band (he was already there setting up) and I needed to get Ava to sleep for the walk to church... I knew that the minute we got there, her eyes would pop open as the band rehearsed for the service. I had already been walking twenty minutes. I only had ten minutes left to give her a power nap (she normally has an hour and a half in the morning) and it seemed like everyone was out to get me. She'd nearly dropped off about four times, and every time something would make some racket right when she was on the verge... a dog barking, a man yelling across the road to his friend, someone stopping me for a chat (totally well-meaning!) and now this car revving.
I was livid. I felt like all these people were purposefully trying to make my life difficult. Have they no idea what its like to have a baby?!
Then I stopped. How many times have I innocently shouted across the road to a friend, stopped someone for a chat, revved my car as I've pulled off? These guys were doing NOTHING wrong. The sin was in me! I was being judgemental, selfish, feeling-sorry-for-myself because I felt out of control. I was feeling most frustrated with my daughter who was fighting sleep like it was her last battle!
I am so quick to judge, so quick to despise, so quick to defend myself and my situation and yet when I turn the finger round, all to often I am guilty of the exact thing I am judging others for! My frustrations normally root back to my own sin. I was seething inside at these innocent passers-by because I wanted Ava to sleep... why? Because she needs it, but also because I knew who'd be paying if she didn't get it, and I selfishly didn't want to be dealing with a grumpy baby.
My sin is great, but Jesus' grace is greater, and in Him, I'm going to attempt this week to put other's before myself. To think about whether I am causing someone else to suffer, and to nip those judgemental thoughts in the bud. I can't do it in my own strength, but in Him, anything is possible.