Heidi says... // Funny sayings of a Four-Year-Old

My Mum shared this post called "Ava says" last week. It was a post I'd written about the funny things our then two year old had said, and honestly?  I couldn't remember her saying a single one of them. I'm so glad for this blog, it is a living, breathing record of life over the last few years: the highs and the lows... The tears and the giggles.

This was definitely one of the giggles!

And so I thought it was about time I recorded the funny things our second daughter has been saying recently... She's a hoot. Honestly. Anyone who has the privilege of spending any time with our second born will realise she's a born comedian. Understated, straight-faced... Hilarious.

Dear Heidi... You're four!

For our gorgeous Heidi girl...

You are four! And with that right of passage, you make the transition from toddler to little girl... though in reality it feels like you did that a long time ago. You are our fun-loving, high-energy, life-and-soul-of-the-party girly girl and we all love you to bits. No-one has the power to make us laugh in the way you do... your hilarious comments, comedy expressions and cheeky wit cheer us all.

These Two // On the Passing of Time

I found this picture in my blog archive the other day... it was a post I never wrote. And it made my heart do little flips and feel a bit heavy. Because, honestly? This feels like yesterday. Only its not... because the toddler and the baby in that photo are now a schoolgirl and a toddler, and are swiftly growing up far too quickly for my liking!

I've been feeling it a lot lately - the passing of time -

Dear Heidi... Off to Preschool!

To my little Heidi-girl...

The big day has arrived! Ever since Ava started back at school, you have been questioning and querying... "How much longer, Mama?", "How many more sleeps?"... you are so excited about this new adventure. Excited about the fun things you will get to do in Preschool, excited about the little friends you will make, excited about your uniform, and excited about your lovely teachers. And I am so excited for you too!

Excited, and a little bit sad.

It is, after all, bittersweet.

I will now be waving off both my little girls every morning... it seems like yesterday I had you both at home with me all day long; playing, napping, reading books together and having giggles. I find it hard to believe that my two baby girls are now both at school, but I know how thrilled you are to be joining your big sister... and how thrilled she is that you are joining her!

I'm not ready to think about where this year is heading yet... that at the end of this year, comes an even bigger transition. I'm just taking baby steps and as you keep reminding me; "it's not so long Mama... only a little while, and then I'll come home for lunch!"

I am so thankful for one more year to spend our afternoons together!

Jonas will miss having you around... you are his play buddy, and recently the two of you have been as thick as thieves. He won't know what to do with himself after a summer long of two big sisters to keep him entertained!

You are a ray of sunshine, Heidi - a bundle of fun, and the life and soul of the party. I'm praying you will use your joyous nature to be a blessing to others, and that your effervescence will be rooted in the true joy that only comes from the Saviour. You are a loyal and true friend, and I'm excited to see all the little friendships you will form with those little classmates of yours. I can't wait to see you blossom and grow as you learn and develop and grow in independence.

I will miss having you at home - my little sidekick... my little helper who, from the youngest age, has put loads of washing on for me and emptied the dishwasher! I will miss your chatter, and the funny way you put things. I will miss your jolly little face, and your natural humour that just does bring a smile to my face without you even trying.

I will miss you, Heidi girl... but I know there is so much to be gained from this adventure, and I'll be waiting, arms wide, to hear all about the fun you've had when its time to pick you up!

I love you Heidi! Have fun on your first day at Preschool!

Mama xxx

A Little Thank You...

It's 11.15pm as I write this... darkness looms outside, I'm weary and tired and ready to roll into bed. It's been a long, emotionally and physically tiring day, but I knew I couldn't lay down tonight without thanking so many of you, from the bottom of my heart, for your prayers today. For remembering our little family, and most especially, our little Heidi.

It was good news.

For the first time, since she was 9 weeks old when Kawasaki Disease struck, Heidi's coronary arteries are the right size. Measuring in at around 2.4mm each, its a stark contrast to the almost 6mm they were at the height of her illness in that tiny baby body 3 years ago. They are not entirely uniform, there are hints of minute little ridges and bumps which are not concerning in and of themselves (and a far cry from the ginormous aneurysms that once lined them), but enough to make them want to be cautious and not over-confident. The decision has been made to keep her on the medication for another year. If, in a years time, the arteries are still within the range they should be, a decision to take her off the meds will in all likelihood be made. I guess I was slightly disappointed its not happening now, but also hugely relieved.

The meds feel like a safety blanket. Coming off them will be challenging.

Heidi was a dream the whole afternoon... thrilled to have Mama and Papa all to herself, she chattered merrily all the way there, only pausing for breath to devour her ice cream, and took the whole process in her stride. In the past I have always been nervous about how she will react to the different examinations but she happily and curiously watched all the goings on with easy-going acceptance. She was so relaxed in the echo itself, that I suddenly noticed her eyes bobbing, and desperately tried to hold the giggles back when we realised she had actually fallen asleep! Clearly she wasn't fazed by the whole experience then!

As always, the staff were so helpful; we received a lovely visit from my uni housemate, Ali, who works there, and James, our cardiac nurse, was incredible as always... sitting with us, listening, explaining and putting our minds at rest. God has been so very, very good to us in his provision of staff who genuinely care. It's been one of the hugest blessings throughout this long, hard ordeal... a genuine mercy.

We came home feeling positive, feeling hopeful and though this particular journey still isn't over, and I'm not sure it ever really will be, I can honestly say we have learnt more about God's faithfulness, sovereignty and goodness through this trial than in any other life circumstance we have found ourselves in...

And so, we continue to pray, that God will mould us, shape us, transform us and make us more like Jesus... that somehow, this whole journey will bring glory to God, and good to our littlest lady.

I tucked Heidi up tonight, mischievous, cheeky and grinning from ear to ear. Our feisty little firework of fun... kept safe, once more, in the Father's hands.

Thank you Jesus.

Amen.

Weaving a Web in the Darkness // Back to the Brompton

“Sometimes it is very dark. We cannot understand what we are doing. We do not see the web we are weaving. We are not able to discover any beauty, any possible good in our experience. Yet if we are faithful and fail not and faint not, we shall someday know that the most exquisite work of all our life was done in those days when it was so dark.” 

― James Russell Miller

They were so bittersweet, those dark days... agony lined with beauty. Despair upheld by hope. It feels such a lifetime ago, those dark days of summer 2013. The days where I would wake up, gaze across at my sleeping bundle and feel my heart sink with the weight of the "what ifs" and the "if onlys". It didn't feel like beauty then... it felt dark and confusing and agonisingly hard. I couldn't see anything good... though others said they were encouraged by our story, to me it felt only dark and heavy... and it felt like a very high price to pay.

It is strange how time brings healing, and hope and perspective. How God provides daily grace to bear the weight, until one day you wake up and feel the weight is less heavy.

You see, the irony of it all, is that very little has changed. Heidi's arteries, while in somewhat better condition than they were at the lowest valley of her illness, are still far from where they should be. Our three year old little girl runs with boundless energy, full of fun and feistiness, and yet is still kept safe by a daily dose of medication, and a whole heap of prayer.

My heart is far from sinking these days... I wake up and wonder at, and give thanks for this little life that the Lord has protected... I swallow back the retort and frustration when she pushes my buttons and rails against boundaries, in thankfulness. Of course, I lose my temper at times. She's a fighter; I'm stubborn. But somehow, the history brings me back time and time again, in the quiet of the evening when I have time to reflect, to some measure of perspective. Can I praise God for the opportunities he is giving me to practice grace and mercy and patience in the disciplining and raising of this little life we nearly lost? Will I pray that God will use this little life, brought back from the edge of the impossible-to-fathom, for his glory and her good?

Today we return to the Brompton.

The place where all the memories come flooding back. That awful day. The sick feeling in my stomach. The fear. The moment the reality of the seriousness of Heidi's condition hit.

And then the flood of inexplainable, overwhelming, stunning peace.

That place where the exquisite work is done. That place of vulnerability... of weakness... of nothing to offer but dependence. The place we never want to go to, but always hunger for more of.

The place where Jesus walks before us... "I know... I've got you... I'm carrying you... I've been there"

In that place, God moves. God works. God breaks down and rebuilds. God creates his most intricately detailed works in the studio of suffering.

It hurts, it's agony... but its beautiful and exquisite and utterly transforming.

Pray for us today, as we return to the place of old hurts and open wounds, that we will know the exquisite work of God in our lives... for hope, for beauty in the brokenness, for trust in the Saviour who has held us so faithfully through the dark valleys and the more recent mundane days of medication.

Please pray that Heidi would have grown into her arteries...
Please pray for no long term scar tissue damage that could cause further complications...
Please pray that our little girl's heart would be protected.

But most of all, please pray that her heart will belong to the Saviour who has carried her, sustained her and kept her safe this far...

Father, we trust you... we give it all to you, and pray you would continue your exquisite work in us.

Amen.

"You rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith - more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire - may be found to result in praise and glory and honour at the revelation of Jesus Christ"

- 1 Peter 1:6-7 -

Heidi's Hats...

This crazy kid and I have had such a lovely week! I think parenting three-year-olds is a little bit like a rollercoaster ride, and you feel like you're always waiting for that crazy drop to happen, but sometimes, just sometimes you get a little bit of a reprieve from the toddler madness and its a welcome rest all round. We've had a good giggle, and not too many trouble-spots this week which has just made for the most lovely time and this little lady is just such a hoot. I think sometimes when we're in the midst of the battle ground, its easy to forget that.

We've played a lot of board games, read a lot of books, and done a LOT of puzzles... we might also have belted a few songs out at the top of our lungs before bursting into fits of giggles.

And did I mention? Heidi's taken to wearing hats... This is how I found her in her quiet time yesterday...

I think my favourite thing about this particular choice of hat is the way it pushes her eyebrows down and makes her look quite hilarious, something which our youngest daughter will always play up to...

And this wasn't the first time I'd found her donning some interesting headpiece... here's Tuesday's offering...

Crazy swimmer to Amish prayer cap. Seems she was in a more reflective mood that day!

Ah... this littlest girl of ours... a whirlwind of emotions, our little comedian, our bundle of fun and giggles, yet sensitive and shy.

Goodness knows what hat she'll be donning today!

Princess Heidi's Royal Party!

It's hard to believe that this little birthday girl has been three for over a week now... Still harder to believe that we celebrated her birthday, with her little friends, over two weeks ago... And I'm only just getting the chance to write about it now!

Life is crazy busy round here!

When I broached the subject of her party with her, our Heidi girl knew exactly what she wanted... A party fit for a Princess. Lords, ladies, Kings, Queens, damsels-in-distress and Knights-in-shining-armour were welcome too, and of course any Prince Charmings to be found in the local vicinity.

A royal birthday was on the cards!

It was actually a really fun little theme! Although possibly the toughest I've had so far. If it had purely been a "Princess" party, it would have been easy, but in the interests of her non-princess loving friends, we had sought to give it a more umbrella theme, and a Royal party was not easy to discover on Pinterest!

So in case any of you have any similarly soon-to-be three year olds, I thought I'd share the details so you can conjure up your own Royal Party effortlessly, should the opportunity ever arise! 

The Food

This is the bit where you have to get a bit creative! Party food is party food at the end of the day... It's pretty much been the same thing since I was a little girl, so it's all about capturing the imagination in the labelling! Here's what was on the menu...

* Royal Rolls - cheese, ham or jam bread rolls

* Carriage Wheel Crisps - circular cross-cross cheese and chive crisps - Lidl's finest!

* Royal Sceptres - cheese straws

* Buckingham Palace Bites - the healthy stuff! Cucumber and baby plum tomatoes

* Birthday Cake - Royal Castle style (more on the cake below)

* Crown Jewel Kebabs - fruit kebabs in multi-colour - grapes, blueberries and raspberries

The entire table was polished off. I actually don't think there was anything left at the end!

The Activities and Games

I split the party into three parts; free play activities, games and food. Having a simple structure helps me feel like we've got some direction, and means people know what's going on... So here's what we did...

Activities...

* The Royal Dressing Room - fancy dress corner

* Tallest Turret building - good old megablocks

* Crown Making - gold and silver crowns, glitter glue, stickers and gems... What more could you want?!

* The Royal Kitchen - home corner

* Colouring table - self-explanatory... This ones always a hit!

Games...

* Ballroom Bumps - Musical bumps

* The Pirate Game - you know, the one with "port", "starboard", "climb the rigging"... So we made a Royal version with calls like, "Windsor Castle", "Buckingham Palace", "bow and curtsey" and "carriages 2"... It was fun!

* Hunt the Crown Jewels"... I had hidden different coloured jewels around the room and the children had to find them. They had good fun hunting high and low, and ticking off their charts as they found the different colours.

The Cake...

I actually think this was my most impressive looking cake to date, though it was actually one of the easiest to make. Three Victoria sponge cakes. Two layered with jam, and the third quartered with two quarters sitting, layered, on the top. Cover everything with butter-icing, add pink wagers for doors and windows and ice-cream-cone turrets and voila! Quick and easy!

To say our littlest lady was thrilled is an understatement... Just look at that little face!

The Favours

Sweets are always a winner, aren't they?! So when it came to the favours, I bought a mountain of Tesco own brand jelly beans and separated them up into little cellophane bags. Perfect little Crown Jewels for our little Princes and Princesses.

And one very, very happy little lady...

And just like that, my baby girl turned three!

Right. Three months until the next birthday party... I'm off to recover! Phew!

Dear Heidi... You're 3!

Oh my Heidi-girl!! Where did those three years go?? They have flown so quickly in a whirlwind of you and your siblings, and yet life without you is such a distant memory that I can barely picture it. You have cemented your place in our little family. Your sister's best friend and choice play buddy, your baby brother's constant companion and live-in entertainer and our little ray of sunshine!

This year you have made that slightly bittersweet transition that leaves all parents thankful but left with a little heartache... You are no longer our baby girl, but a little lady in your own right. You no longer simply follow your big sister's whims and interests, but you have your own ideas, your own hobbies and your own vivid, and at times rather incredible, imagination!

You are our little adventurer... You love to play outside, and while away happy hours in your play house. I always imagined you would be our little tomboy, as you have always loved the great outdoors, and like a bit of rough and tumble, but you are definitely as into girly things as your sister is, if not more so and anything princess-related is an absolute win in your book. You are forever walking around in some princess outfit, belting out a Disney tune at the top of your lungs, and your favourite toys are little Disney figurines that Ava got for her birthday, but which you have played far more with!

The highlight of your week is your swimming lesson... You are our little water baby and swim the width of that pool backwards and forwards with the biggest grin on your face. It's been so nice to find something that you truly love, and you are thriving in it! I love to sit on the side of that pool and just watch your joyous little face!

This year, you took on a new role too... You are no longer just a little sister, but a big sister too. It's taken you a little while to find your way in that one, but you and Jonas have found a happy little place now. You have always adored him, perhaps a little overbearingly at times (!!) but as he's gotten bigger, the two of you have become such good little friends. He finds you utterly hilarious, and there's nothing you love more than making him laugh.

You love to be read to.... And your favourite books perhaps portray that cheeky sense of humour that you possess... You love to read about the mischievous toys in Enid Blyton books, you find my naughty little sister utterly hilarious and you delight in the wicked humour of "Max and Moritz"... We are reading "The Railway Children" aloud at bedtime at the moment, and I love watching your eyes blink slowly as you fall into a drowsy slumber. I'm sure you've only actually heard half the story as you seem to fall asleep in the middle of it, but you seem to know what's going on anyway!

We had a few more "trying" months towards the end of last year....just typical two-year-old behaviour... Testing boundaries, and not appreciating rules... but this past month it seems you have turned a corner and it's just so lovely. You are great company; helpful, chatty, and at times completely bonkers! You never cease to bring a smile to our faces! 

I love being your Mama Heidi... You, just like Ava and Jonas, teach me new things every day. In your short three years, I have learnt so many life lessons... What it means to truly be thankful for what you've got, to cherish each moment, lean more on Jesus; you have taught me more patience and grace, and shown me the extent of my own sin too.

You have helped me know the Saviour better.

And I hope so much I can help you know him better too.

He is steadfast and certain, he loves you more than Mama and Papa ever could, and he has a plan for your life, little girl of mine. He knows every day before one of them even starts. Trust him. Give your life to him. Lean on him, and he'll show you the way to go. He doesn't promise an easy one, but he does promise peace, joy and his presence as you go.

We love you our Heidi girl...

Happy third birthday,

Mama xx

The Things They Say...

I was sorting through some paperwork last week when I stumbled upon a couple of post-it notes scribbled down over the past year. I have always tried to record the funny things the children say, and I've enjoyed posting them in the past, but with Jonas' arrival, I just hadn't collated them all together.

Until today.

So here you are, a little selection of the funny things the children have said this past year. Some of them were said in English to grandparents etc and are recorded exactly as spoken, others were said in German and I have sought to find as direct a translation as possible...

Ava:

" Sometimes, when I go to sleep, I close my eyes and there's a film that I watch in my eyes. And then I fall asleep. And then I dream.
Last night I watched Princess Jasmine..." Age 3. June 2015

"What do you want for breakfast Ava? Cereal or toast?"
"Ummmm.... I think I'll take some wine..."
?!
Age 3.

"Mama... it would be cool if your tummy had a window in it, then we could see if the baby is a boy or a girl!"
Age 3. May 2015

Ava, holding up her cup...
"I fear I need a little more juice, Mama"
Age 3.

"Oh look! It's a lion dandy!"
Ava. Age 4. October 2015

"I want to stay for ever and eternity in healthiness" Ava. November 2015
Ava. Age 4.

"Sometimes at School we have a muffin day, and then we can wear what we want"
Ava. Age 4.

Heidi:

Heidi: I want pink hair!
Mama: Pink hair? That would look a bit funny, wouldn't it!
Heidi: But I want to look funny, Mama... because I am funny!
Heidi: Age 2.

Ava and Mama: "What's the time Mr Wolf?"
Heidi: "CLOCK TIME!!!!"
Heidi. Age 2.

Heidi: "Was du weisst, Mama?" (For you German speakers! Instead of "Weisst du was?")
Heidi. Age 2

And one that still makes me laugh...

Ava, with a serious little face. Hands folded, eyes closed: "Dear God, thank you that Jonas laughs when I wobble my head like this (cue rapid head wobbling). Amen"
Ava. Age 4.

My Middle...

It seems a common expectation these days that "middle children" are the tricky ones... the ones who don't quite know where they belong, the ones who don't have "a role" like the others do. I hear it everywhere, and I just want to say outright now... I don't believe it has to be that way.

I honestly think its a self-fulfilling prophecy... if we expect our middle ones to be tricky, more demanding, more emotionally complex, I think its inevitable they will be, don't you think? That they'll start to believe the lies themselves... that they don't have a place, that they have a right to be emotionally complex - because they're the middle child.

It makes me a bit cross sometimes.

Because this little lady?

I don't want her to be labelled that way.

Heidi has a vital place in our family. She's not the oldest, and she's not the youngest. But she's our darling middle - a most beloved little sister, a best friend to Ava, an adored big sister who just yells "cauliflower!" while tickling Jonas and causes him to collapse into helpless giggles. He loves both his big sisters with equal love. The relationships are different, but no less valuable.

She is caring and funny, cheeky and honest. She adores Ava with all her little heart... yes, they bicker and argue, but yesterday we watched them at a birthday party with a load of children they didn't know. They held hands through most of it, stuck together like glue, and it was so good for my Mama heart to see what good little friends they really are, looking out for each other, smiling and laughing and having a blast together.

Heidi adores the play house. She has always been like that. She will happily spend hours down there,  concocting her own little play world. She cares for her dolls and teddies, cooks up a storm in the kitchen and pours tea like there's no tomorrow. She wants to be a Mama when she grows up, or a midwife (to look after the Mamas and the Babies, you see), although also harbours secret wishes to actually be a princess. Yesterday it was Ariel, today Sofia.. tomorrow it will probably be somebody else.

Her interests are similar to Ava's, but not the same. Already I can see them developing interests and skills in different areas, and we work hard to praise them both.

I long for Heidi not to be boxed in by expectations. I want her to be able to have the responsibilities of an oldest child, the freedoms of a youngest... Of course she will have her insecurities, her struggles, her battles... but so will our other two. Why should being a middle child make that any more expected? Or any more acceptable?

We're all complex... We all struggle with sin, and selfishness and insecurity. All our children will face struggles in these areas at some point... But why does our culture seem to expect, almost encourage, Heidi to struggle the most?

I've been thinking a lot recently about how we parent each of the children. It's grace all the way, isn't it? I can have big dreams and plans for each of the children, but ultimately its God who gives me the strength and wisdom to navigate these tricky parenting waters. And oh, how tricky they seem sometimes! How as a mother you question and query everything you do, doubt your motives, ponder the outcomes of your actions...

Even, sometimes, wonder if you're ruining them?

But I know, for sure, I will work hard to make sure this little lady of ours knows she has a place in our family; a role; expectations; responsibilities and freedoms. But I'll also pray, every day, that she won't find her ultimate identity and role in our family, but in the Saviour Jesus.

Because he loves her. Just as she is.

Just like we do.

Our Little Homeschool...

There's always been something about Homeschooling that's appealed to me... the thought of having my little brood around me all day, the thought of creating lesson plans and activities for my own little people, the thought of being able to teach them from a gospel world view. I love that thought... and I look at these amazing homeschoolers like Jodi Mockabee and Bethany Douglass and feel totally inspired.

And then I take a reality check!

Because much as I love the concept, much as I miss teaching, and much as I love how idyllic it looks on the Instagram feeds, I know the reality is hard core... no space during the day at all, full responsibility for your little people's  learning, and then the social side of things...

And I look at our little Ava at school, and know this has been exactly the right thing for her. That breaking free from the nest has been good for her; given her confidence, helped her understand that some people have different world views from her, helped her to gain independence and stand on her own two feet. And in some strange way, has helped her understand what it means to belong to a family, and brings her back to us all the more certain that this is exactly where she's meant to be.

But sometimes, when you have little children who would just love to be in school with their bigger siblings, you can't help but indulge!

Our little lady is counting down the days until she can go to big school...

She is eager to learn, and walks around the house saying "H for Heidi, A for Apple, G for Papa, S for Mama" .... it is so cute and utterly hilarious watching her little serious face repeating these little phrases utterly incorrectly!

But she is determined, and takes such delight in copying out her letters... I love the way she curls her little "H"...

It warms this Mama heart... and she's taken to asking if we can play "schools" most days...

There's one Mama here who is happy to oblige!

Little Brother...

We are hurtling towards the six month mark, and I'm finding it hard to believe that this littlest member of our family has not been around forever...

He is contented, happy, chirpy and so long-suffering... you pretty much have to be when you have two big sisters. He gets prodded and poked, cuddled and smothered, kissed and bundled like there's no tomorrow, and he doesn't help me out. I am constantly telling the girls to get off him and leave him alone, only to find him giggling away and enjoying all the attention.

Life is certainly not boring when you're number three.

There is constant entertainment, and always someone to play with!

Ava has always been wonderful with her little brother. Reliable, gentle and so loved up with him. Almost from the beginning, I could trust her to keep an eye on him while I popped upstairs, or needed to get some chores done. She takes her babysitting duties very seriously, and was the first one to get him to giggle. She loves him. He loves her. Its a mutual thing.

Heidi, at 2 and a half, has adored her brother from day one... in the typical toddler smothering kind of way! I had to watch her like a hawk at the beginning, and its only been the past few weeks that I've realised I've not had to be so on the ball. Jonas is a bit bigger and sturdier, and suddenly it seems they have their own little thing going on. They find each other quite hilarious and are two peas in a pod when Ava's off at school. I can see a lovely little friendship blossoming (with the usual sibling issues - her smothering him, him pulling her hair!)

So life is pretty good when you're a little brother... and Jonas certainly seems to be making the most of it!

Rainy Days and Bundled Up Babies...

"When life gives you a rainy day,

play in the puddles!"

-anon-

Autumn has well and truly set in round these parts. The school run has become an opportunity to gather leaves and hunt for acorns, sun-hats have been packed away for another year, and this week, the welly boots were donned.

On Wednesday it rained for the entire day. From the start of the school run, until after I had picked Ava up... it rained. At times it was a light drizzle, at other times a downpour, but it literally didn't stop.

But it didn't hinder one little man from having all his naps outside. Somehow the patter of the rain on the rain cover over him seems to send him into a deeper slumber. Three hours in that rain on Wednesday morning, and I had to wake him for his feed!

This little eskimo of mine is being kept super cosy and protected from the wind by this gorgeous sun/wind shade that my lovely friend Catrin made for him. When its down, he loves to watch the world go by, but as soon as I pull it up, I can pretty much guarantee he'll be asleep in five minutes. It seems to make him feel extra cosy... and it looks so pretty too! Somehow those little foxes fit perfectly in with outdoor autumn napping!

There's another little lady who loves the rain... she was so chuffed to be allowed to play outdoors in this week. She wandered up and down the garden with her brolly, dressed up in her rain trousers, cosy jacket and beloved Peppa Pig wellies, singing at the top of her lungs.

She's a giggle, and I love her to bits.

And yup... ask a two-and-a-half year old to put their thumbs up, and you'll get this ^^^. Makes me laugh every time!

So what suggestions do you have for outdoor rainy fun? I think we're in for the long haul now... !

Left Behind...

There's one little man round these parts who gets an awful lot of loving.... and ever since biggest sister has gone off to school, the attention really has become focussed on him...

Heidi has not found the transition the easiest. While Ava has skipped happily into school every morning, Heidi has been sad, clingy, and just down in the dumps. She's missing her best buddy like crazy, and I'm getting the same questions repeated every day...

"When is Ava coming home?"

"Why can't we go and get Ava now?"

"When can I go to School with Ava?"

And when I can't answer the questions in the way she wants me to, the tantrums start...

I feel so sad for my usually chirpy, fun-filled littlest lady

But yesterday I noticed a switch in our Heidi... she seemed more settled, eager to play with Jonas, smiley and chirpy. I notice with all of the children that when their behaviour's a little off the wall, they usually just need some down days. Days at home where it's easier to follow through on discipline and be consistent... Days where we potter and play and just be. And somehow, those days seem to do a little heart mending.

I still had the string of questions, but yesterday was the first day in a while that we had no tantrums.

I suppose I worked quite hard to prepare Ava for the transition to "big school". I was so concerned and worried about how she would settle in, that I didn't really consider the impact on the younger ones... and now I'm seeing that actually its almost harder for those left behind. Ava gets all the excitement and adventure of school, while Heidi gets the same old routine, just without her big sister around.

So it warmed my heart, and made me feel especially thankful to see her being so sweet with her baby brother yesterday... she's got a new play buddy who is getting more interactive every day.

Even if he does look a little glum in this picture... perhaps he's missing his biggest sister too!

The Ordinary Moments

Back to the Brompton we go...

Joy and pain are two arteries of the one heart

That pumps through all those who don't numb themselves to real living

Ann Voskamp

1000 Gifts notes

Kawasaki Disease has been in the news this week... it still seems surreal to me that in this day and age there is a disease that has the experts so baffled. At last, they suspect they may have found a cause. It gives us some possible answers...

... but it doesn't help us with the daily reality of living with the consequences of it.

For the most part, Kawasaki Disease is an almost invisible part of our lives now. There is daily medication for Heidi, and there is the white noise of anxiety of illness that always looms in the background, but in the day to day, I barely think about it. We have come such a long way since those early days, when I couldn't see how life could ever be "normal" again.

However, when appointments loom, I guess its only natural that your anxiety peaks.

Tomorrow, we head back to the Brompton with our little girl for another Echo and update, Ironically, I feel the most calm I have ever felt before one of these appointments... ironic given that for the first time, I am going without hope. In all our previous appointments, I went with the hope of the news that her arteries had healed. But with that hope came the constant fear that they would tell us they had stopped healing.

At our last appointment in October, that fear became a reality.

And so we go tomorrow, the hope being simply that things have not got worse, that she is coping fine on her medication, that we are just to continue on as we are. That was my worst nightmare a few months ago...

And yet somehow, there is relief in knowing the truth... there is relief in knowing what you are dealing with. Sometimes uncertainty is actually harder to cope with than the truth, however awful it may be.

And in the context of Heidi's heart, and little arteries that are still ballooned, the quote above grounds me as we prepare for tomorrow... without the pain, we wouldn't feel the same depth of joy. The joy of life... thankfulness for a beautiful little girl who is loving life and growing and thriving... God has allowed this heartache in our lives to help us to know the joy of real living. How much deeper our appreciation of life, how much more wonder at the developments of modern medicine... how much greater our thankfulness to our Heavenly Father who has had us so firmly in his grip throughout this storm.

I may feel a bit more battered and weathered, I may wish our life was simpler, I may long for a day where the slightest temperature in our little girl won't send my mind reeling with fear.

But I am thankful that the war wounds, the scars, the fears and failings have helped us know the Saviour better.

He is good. And as we walk through those hospital doors tomorrow, he'll be right there with us...

Please pray...

* That Heidi won't be afraid, and that she will cooperate with the Doctors, particularly during the ECG and Echo which require her to lie still for around 20 minutes.

* For stability in her case... that things won't have gotten worse...

* For emotional strength for us

* For practicalities like Jonas' feeds - that everything will work out in terms of timings

* For Heidi as she begins to grasp that there is something different about her heart, and for wisdom for us as we seek to explain that in a sensitive and age-appropriate way

* For a miracle? That perhaps, just perhaps, God may have healed her...

Thank you to all of you for your continued love, support, well-wishes and prayers. We are hugely grateful to God for the provision of each one of you. He has used to to encourage us in ways you will probably never know.

We are blessed beyond belief.